Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Painful Admission

Distance: 2.0 mi.
Time: 24:22 min.
Pace: 12:11/mile
Time of day: 6:30 a.m.

For reasons I don't entirely understand I spent the last 3 days in a black cloud of depression. I have experienced episodes similar to this one all my life, most of the time they were more severe, sometimes lasting for weeks or even months. I hope that my awareness of what was happening along with coping techniques I have learned in therapy, helped lessen the severity and duration of this episode. There isn't much good to be found from an episode like this but I did try to look for something positive and here is what I discovered.

My training suffered. I didn't workout at all Monday. Despite good intentions I was able to run less than 3 miles on Tuesday. Wednesday, my usual rest day, was just that even though I did not need the physical rest. I forgot my gym bag this morning so I didn't do any strength training, but I did run 2 miles on the treadmill. The upshot is that I am behind on my road miles this week, plus I haven't done any strength training at all.

I "wanted" to run each day. I thought that if I got outside in the sunshine, was physically active, I would feel better emotionally. But I couldn't do it. It was just too much mental effort to get up and go. On Tuesday when I did finally go out about 6 p.m., the run was awful. My iPhone wasn't operating correctly which drives me crazy. And much to my surprise while my breathing was good, my legs, knees and feet hurt. Every step was a huge painful effort. And when I got home, the pain continued all evening and all night. I couldn't find a comfortable position in which to sleep because my knees and hips hurt. I don't know what was going on with all the aches and pains but it was enough of an excuse on Wednesday to forego any running.

Just as I'm not sure why the black cloud descended on me, I'm not sure why it started to lift Wednesday evening. But around 8 o'clock I looked around me and realized I was watching TV with utter chaos and disarray around me. I got up, picked up the area, turned off the TV, did the dishes, and generally picked up the house. I did 94 sit-ups, brushed my teeth, washed my face and put on clean pajamas before going to bed to sleep.

I feel better today. The clouds in my head are breaking up. I have a list of things to do today to help me stay on track. I feel bad about the 3 days I lost. I can't get back the training time. I cannot do today all that I could have done in those 3 black days. I can only move forward from where I am. I am thankful that the blackness lasted only 3 days. I am grateful that The Love gave me some space and time to deal with the situation. I believe that my running helped me out. The very public goal I have was ever present in my mind during the last 3 days. I believe that having that goal, knowing my family believes I can do this and not wanting to disappoint them, kept me from sinking completely into depression. Thank you, Family, from the bottom of my heart.

I will run my 4 miles tomorrow, perhaps stretching it to 5 miles in an effort to get in all my road work this week. Scott and I have already made arrangements to run together on Saturday for my scheduled 10 miles. These are positive steps. I still have time to grocery shop and do a couple of errands for The Love before he gets back in town this evening. I can't waste time bemoaning the last 3 days. I have things to do, people to see…and running to enjoy.

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